Extreme weather aside, I have been thinking recently about the benefits of lowered expectations. In Russia I find that this is the most practical way to stay sane and enjoy myself. If I was writing a guidebook to Russia, one of my chapters would surely be titled: Setting the Bar Low- how few expectations are the key to enjoying yourself and remaining sane while living in the great country of Russia. Actually, I will just write out the entire chapter for your reading pleasure and in case you are actually considering visiting the Motherland.
"Upon arriving in Russia, visitors might be shocked at first to see everything written in a non-Latin alphabet that looks vaguely Greek. Unless these visitors are fluent in Greek, and even then, the writers of this guidebook suggest that you take the precaution of spending at least six years of learning Russian before actually setting foot on the soil of this illustrious country. In any case, you should at least have a friend who can guide you through the steps of adjusting to life in Russia. If you don’t have a guide, then God help you, because this book is your lifeline to survival.
"On your first taxi or bus ride to your hotel or apartment, do not be silly enough to expect a smooth ride. It is common for roads to be missing entire sections of asphalt, or in some cases, any asphalt at all. Your bus or taxi may make some unexpected u-turns and loops. Do not be distressed. Yes, your taxi driver is trying to rack up a larger fare, but for the most part, they are just avoiding the worst stretches of the “road.” As long as you arrive safely at your destination with most of your possessions on hand and bodily intact, then consider the trip a success. Soon, you will even forget that surviving daily transportation is a considerable feat and begin to view it as just another step in your routine. The writers of this humble guidebook would have you remember that no matter how mundane your Russian commute may become, you should congratulate yourself occasionally on your continued survival.
"The next aspect of life in Russia for which you should set your sights low is housing. Despite the fact that a loaf of bread costs about seventy cents or a cross-city bus ride will only cost you fifty cents or that the average income here is two hundred and fifty dollars a month, do not dare to think housing will be an equivalently low cost. And when looking for an apartment, do not be fooled by a listing that says “Two Bedroom Flat.” There are in fact, only two rooms in the whole apartment. Living rooms do not come standard here. The writers of this guidebook do not wish to seem disparaging toward Russia by discussing these issues. No, indeed, the finger should be pointed to the bourgeoisie capitalists, who expect a “Two Bedroom Flat” to actually be two bedrooms! Why do you need two rooms if one will work just as well!? Yes, this is pointed toward you readers who live in two-storied houses with rooms that are never used and possessions that are discarded like old bread. And while we’re on the topic of old bread, how can you even think about throwing it away!? What a waste! Just place it on the radiator, wait for it to toast, then add some salt, and eat it with some beer. Everyone in Russia knows this!
"The writers of this guidebook apologize for the digression.
"Back to the subject of housing. You should not expect to have control over when your heat turns on or off, and you should also relinquish all expectations about when you will have hot water, or any water at all. When the city you live in deems that it is cold enough, the heat will turn on. It will not turn off again until the city deems it warm enough. Of course, this is the only sensible way to distribute heat so that all the citizens will be warm. If you are too warm you should open up the window and manually find a balance between the snowy winds outside and the piping hot radiators in your room. Be careful not to disturb the freshly placed stale bread on your radiators. As for water, if you do not have it for several days, rest assured that the reason for your lack of water is because diligent Russian laborers are replacing the pipes once again so that in the future you will be able to enjoy uninterrupted water use. Also, remember that your water is paid for by the government, so like the heat, it is of course their right to decide when to switch this utility on or off.
"Dear visitors to the estimable country of Russia, please do not be distressed by these situations you are reading about. Indeed, you will face even more unfamiliar (yet explainable) circumstances you cannot even yet imagine. But the writers of this modest guidebook assure you, that after reading this publication you will have the keys to overcome these facts of Russian life if you just remember to forget all your expectations."